What if the fear of bothering others kept us from asking for help?
“I didn’t want to bother anyone.”
People who offer active listening on a helpline hear this more often than you might think. Sometimes, these are among the first words a caller says.
Behind this simple statement lies a complex reality: people are struggling, but hesitate to reach out because they feel what they’re going through isn’t serious enough, that they should be able to handle it on their own, or that talking about their problems might bother someone else.
On World Suicide Prevention Day, it’s important to remember that the fear of bothering others can be a very real barrier to seeking help. But we don’t have to reach a breaking point for what we’re going through to deserve to be heard.
Struggles are often invisible
Suicide remains a major public health issue. In Quebec, 1,043 people died by suicide in 2023. Although this number has declined compared with previous decades, it still represents nearly three deaths every day. Behind each of these statistics is a person, a family, loved ones and a community deeply affected.
But the numbers tell only part of the story.
For every death, thousands of people experience significant psychological distress without ever reaching out for support. They continue going to work or school, caring for their children and managing their everyday responsibilities, all while feeling as though something inside them is falling apart. Many don’t talk about what they’re going through, not because they don’t want support, but because they question whether what they’re experiencing is serious enough to ask for it.
Comparing our struggles
The belief that “others have it worse” is deeply ingrained in our society. We tend to compare our struggles with those of others rather than recognize that what we’re going through deserves to be acknowledged too.
This tendency to minimize our own struggles is far from harmless. It can delay reaching out for help until our distress becomes much more difficult to carry.
- The person standing in the rain is wet and uncomfortable, but looks at the person caught in the thunderstorm and thinks: “It’s not that bad.”
- The person caught in the thunderstorm is facing heavy rain, wind and lightning, but looks toward the hurricane and thinks: “Others have it worse. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
- The person in the hurricane is facing extreme conditions and yet might still think: “I should be able to handle this.”
There will always be a way to minimize what we’re going through. But our struggles don’t need to be compared with someone else’s to deserve to be expressed and heard.
The fear of bothering others doesn’t look the same for everyone
The fear of asking for help affects both men and women, but the reasons behind it can differ.
For men, social expectations around independence, self-control and the ability to “tough it out” can make expressing vulnerability particularly difficult. When facing a separation, job loss, financial difficulties or health problems, many men feel they should be able to deal with these challenges on their own. Asking for help can then feel like admitting failure or losing control.
The statistics reflect this reality. In Quebec, nearly three out of four suicide deaths are among men. In 2023, the suicide rate among men was approximately three times higher than among women, and men aged 50 to 64 remain the most affected group.These numbers remind us of the importance of creating spaces where people can talk openly without fear of judgment. To learn more about the realities men face when it comes to mental health and asking for help, read our article, Men’s Mental Health: Breaking the Habit of Silence.
For women, the fear of bothering others can take a different form. Women access mental health services more often than men, but that doesn’t mean they always reach out when they need support. Many minimize their own struggles because they carry a significant mental load, take on family responsibilities or act as caregivers for loved ones. Social expectations that encourage women to care for others before caring for themselves can lead them to put off seeking support indefinitely.
Some also experience intimate partner violence, financial insecurity or isolation: all factors that can increase the risk of psychological distress while making it more difficult to access help.
Postpartum: when struggle is hidden behind expected happiness
The period following the birth of a child is a particularly powerful example of how the fear of bothering others can affect someone’s willingness to reach out.
We tend to associate the arrival of a baby with happiness, fulfillment and gratitude. Yet for many mothers, the reality is far more complex. Postpartum depression affects approximately one in seven women, while others experience anxiety disorders or, more rarely, postpartum psychosis.
In several high-income countries, suicide is among the leading causes of maternal death during the first year after childbirth. Research shows that most of these deaths occur in the context of mental health challenges that can be identified and treated.
Yet many new mothers hesitate to talk about their distress. They may fear being judged, disappointing those around them or being seen as a “bad mother.”
The fear of bothering others can then create an additional barrier: experiencing psychological distress while also believing it should be kept to oneself.
Understanding who may be at greater risk
Suicide can affect anyone, but some groups are at greater risk.
Middle-aged men, particularly those between the ages of 50 and 64, continue to account for the highest rates of suicide deaths in Quebec. People who live alone, those who have recently experienced a separation or significant loss, people living with a mental health or substance use disorder, and those who have previously attempted suicide are also at increased risk.
Among young people, recent data show a concerning rise in hospitalizations for suicide attempts among adolescent girls. Youth from sexually and gender-diverse communities also report higher-than-average levels of psychological distress and suicidal ideation.
First Nations and Inuit communities also continue to experience a disproportionate burden as a result of well-documented historical, social and structural factors.
These realities remind us that suicide is never the result of a single cause. Most often, it results from a combination of individual, relational, social and environmental factors.
Changing the way we think about asking for help
We often think of asking for help as a last resort: something we do when everything else has failed. But when it comes to mental health, reaching out earlier can help prevent distress from becoming more severe.
We wouldn’t wait until every bone in our body was broken before going to the hospital. So why do we sometimes wait until we’ve reached our breaking point before seeking support for our mental health?
Talking sooner. Being heard. Putting what we’re going through into words. These simple steps can make a real difference.
The fear of bothering others often comes from a deeply rooted belief that our struggles need to be measured, compared or justified before they deserve to be heard.
It can also come from the fear that showing vulnerability somehow makes us less lovable. But there is something deeply human about letting ourselves be seen as we really are: not only when we’re strong, but when we’re struggling, too. Vulnerability doesn’t make us less worthy of love or connection; it’s often what allows us to connect more deeply with one another.
But there is no threshold we have to reach before we finally “have the right” to ask for help.Waiting until our distress becomes unbearable isn’t a sign of strength. Often, it’s the result of isolation that has gradually taken hold. Just as with our physical health, reaching out early can make all the difference when it comes to our mental health.
At Tel-Aide Montréal, we believe there is no such thing as a struggle that is “too small” to talk about. You don’t need to be in crisis, and you don’t need to have the perfect words before calling. If something is weighing on you enough that you feel the need to talk about it, that’s reason enough to call.
Call us: 514-935-1101
Toll-free anywhere in Quebec: 1-877-935-1101
Sources
- Institut national de santé publique du Québec (INSPQ). Les comportements suicidaires au Québec : portrait 2026. https://www.inspq.qc.ca/publications/3780
- Institut national de santé publique du Québec (INSPQ). Portrait des comportements suicidaires au Québec. https://www.inspq.qc.ca/sante-mentale/comportements-suicidaires/portrait
- Agence de la santé publique du Canada. Le suicide au Canada : faits et prévention. https://www.canada.ca/fr/sante-publique/services/prevention-suicide.html
- Société des obstétriciens et gynécologues du Canada (SOGC). Recommandations sur les troubles de santé mentale périnatale.
